I’m looking for a song to sing
I’m looking for a friend to borrow
I’m looking for my radio
So I might find a heart to follow
I. T. Z. Hanson
Sometimes I just want to say things into the Internet and press “publish”. I want to write one line and make it into a post. And then I think, why not? This is my space to do whatever I please.
The problem with Mondays is they already have such a bad reputation. You can’t help but anticipate the bad-ness of Mondays to the point where they are just not that good. (And this goes for other days of the week that act as “Mondays” but fall on other days).
I’ve been thinking a lot about life lately. Though I guess I’m always thinking a lot about life. About the human condition. About what we are, who we want to become. Last night Olga asked, “Do you think we’ll ever stop searching?” And, really, I couldn’t answer.
My immediate thought is, “no.” And the reason is because she and I, we don’t know what we’re looking for. We want to experience everything. We are going to go from country to country from novel to novel looking, searching, experiencing. I don’t think we’re going to stop searching.
Where as my parents, I think they stopped searching a long time ago. They have the house, the jobs and the kids. They are happy and content in their love and their lives. They have these things that I may never even decide to want. That picket fence love with two children, and a dog (we don’t really have a picket fence, but everything else… that’s us.) Olga and I, we don’t need a ring to know love, we aren’t looking to settle for the rest of our lives.
But in turn, we don’t know what it is we are looking for.
I was driving home from work last night wondering what is it that makes me feel like I need to go places? What is it that makes me full of wanderlust, homesick for places I’ve never been? Why do I get anxious when I spend too much time in Massachusetts? I need to get out, and go somewhere. But what is it that makes me so anxious when I feel stuck? Are any of us ever really stuck?
Maybe I should mention, Olga is currently in South Korea teaching English. She’s been in Togo, Africa through the Peace Corps, lived in MA. She grew up in Mexico and Guatemala. All of these continents don’t have what she’s looking for. It’s somewhere else, maybe. Inside someone else?
It’s inside us somewhere, but that doesn’t mean we’ll stop the search.
I want to teach English in Italy for at least three months. That’s at the top of my TO DO list. It’s something that might get me through the next year, if I can make it a possibility. I’m turning 26 at the end of this week, everyone. This entire week is going to be filled with reflections and lists and goals. It’s going to be filled with me in ways that I haven’t filled posts with before. Because, why not?
I want to know if you’re still searching. Do you know what you’re searching for? Can you pinpoint when it is that you stopped? Do you think you’ll ever stop?