Looking For My Radio

I’m looking for a song to sing
I’m looking for a friend to borrow
I’m looking for my radio
So I might find a heart to follow

I. T. Z. Hanson

Sometimes I just want to say things into the Internet and press “publish”. I want to write one line and make it into a post. And then I think, why not? This is my space to do whatever I please.

The problem with Mondays is they already have such a bad reputation. You can’t help but anticipate the bad-ness of Mondays to the point where they are just not that good. (And this goes for other days of the week that act as “Mondays” but fall on other days).

I’ve been thinking a lot about life lately. Though I guess I’m always thinking a lot about life. About the human condition. About what we are, who we want to become. Last night Olga asked, “Do you think we’ll ever stop searching?” And, really, I couldn’t answer.

My immediate thought is, “no.” And the reason is because she and I, we don’t know what we’re looking for. We want to experience everything. We are going to go from country to country from novel to novel looking, searching, experiencing. I don’t think we’re going to stop searching.

Where as my parents, I think they stopped searching a long time ago. They have the house, the jobs and the kids. They are happy and content in their love and their lives. They have these things that I may never even decide to want. That picket fence love with two children,  and a dog (we don’t really have a picket fence, but everything else… that’s us.) Olga and I, we don’t need a ring to know love, we aren’t looking to settle for the rest of our lives.

But in turn, we don’t know what it is we are looking for.

I was driving home from work last night wondering what is it that makes me feel like I need to go places? What is it that makes me full of wanderlust, homesick for places I’ve never been? Why do I get anxious when I spend too much time in Massachusetts? I need to get out, and go somewhere.  But what is it that makes me so anxious when I feel stuck? Are any of us ever really stuck?

Maybe I should mention, Olga is currently in South Korea teaching English. She’s been in Togo, Africa through the Peace Corps, lived in MA. She grew up in Mexico and Guatemala. All of these continents don’t have what she’s looking for. It’s somewhere else, maybe. Inside someone else?

It’s inside us somewhere, but that doesn’t mean we’ll stop the search.

I want to teach English in Italy for at least three months. That’s at the top of my TO DO list. It’s something that might get me through the next year, if I can make it a possibility. I’m turning 26 at the end of this week, everyone. This entire week is going to be filled with reflections and lists and goals. It’s going to be filled with me in ways that I haven’t filled posts with before. Because, why not?

I want to know if you’re still searching. Do you know what you’re searching for? Can you pinpoint when it is that you stopped? Do you think you’ll ever stop?



Curious Tuesday

Each Tuesday Gala Darling posts five questions to her readers to answer, this is my attempt to participate 🙂

1. What is your style direction for the upcoming season? Style? Ummm. I don’t really think about my style until I’m standing inside a clothing store wishing I had the funds to do so. I would really like to think more about this, but at the time it’s not a priority.

2. What is your favourite song right now? Hanson – Give A Little. It’s sensuous, upbeat and has a dirty double meaning 😉

3. What’s your best love advice? I’m the last person to give love advice, but if we lived in a perfect world I would say: believe in love and be willing to let your heart get broken.

4. Who is the most exciting person you’ve met recently? My cousin’s kid Natalie is full of life and adventure. She’s three years old and recently had me running all over my house playing with bubbles, chalk and silly bandz. My room is a mess and I told her that before letting her in and go figure about an hour later she goes up to my mom and says, “Want to see the messy room?”

5. Are you doing anything wonderful this week? What is it? I am partying with Olga on Saturday (between work shifts, that is). Hopefully I am seeing my best friend from childhood, Jen. And I’m also hoping to make it to yoga tomorrow night. All wonderful.



Sometimes Faith Sneaks Up On You

I’m writing this for Olga, who is having a bit of a crisis of faith lately. I don’t talk much about religion. I was raised Catholic and I never liked being told that I was a sinner or that I was not allowed to believe in ghosts. I need to go over my background a little before I talk more about what I want to write about.

Since then I’ve been to religious retreats, we changed to a Protestant church and attended for a while where I had to go to Vacation Bible Study. I used to try to oversleep on Sunday mornings but it never worked out. I slowly stopped believing and by 8th grade I deemed myself an Athiest. I couldn’t be bothered to think about religion, it confused me and aggrevated me and I hated being preached to. Within the past couple of years I’ve been more interesting in opening up my spirituality. Since then I’ve realized that I am very agnostic, but I really don’t know where to go from there.

I’ve always celebrated Christian holidays. That’s how I was raised, and I cannot shed those traditions. I know some Bible stories and I believe that Jesus existed. Do I worship him? I’m not so sure. But at the moment I am happy to spend time seeking out religion and spirituality and I am content in exploring it in my own way.

I also need to make note that I am not a lucky person. My brother is lucky, he won a lap top in a raffle one time, he wins random scratch tickets and other odd things. I mostly stop trying to be lucky. It prevents me from setting myself up for disappointment.

A couple months ago I had a thing going on with this guy who stopped responding to me after one night we had hung out together. I was agitated and crushed because I really liked him, and I’m not used to really liking guys. All I wanted was some sort of answer as to why. Not knowing, in my opinion, is worse than knowing and being hurt. It’s worse to question and wonder and think about the possibilities. It’s worse when you have no control over the situation to even find out the truth.

Two days after this night with this night with this guy I went to a church for the first time in years. It wasn’t for a service but for a charity breakfast at the church my friend goes to. There were all sorts of raffles lining the tables. You could buy raffle tickets and pick what gifts you might be able to win. I didn’t think about buying any tickets. I didn’t have extra cash that week, and I don’t normally win anyway. Juli, however, had a few extra dollars. She bought tickets and distributed them between myself, herself and her cousin.

I picked two things to drop raffle tickets into. I only had four tickets so I put two in each. Wouldn’t you believe that I WON one of those packages? I put tickets in a package that included a couple gift cards for stores and restaurants around Plymouth and one for a relaxation package that included a gift certificate for a massage, a bamboo wind chime, lavender candles and some lavender scented Paul Mitchell products. I won the relaxation package and my immediate thought was; God is telling me to calm the fuck down.
Who cares about this guy, really? I mean, I did. But I knew it was going to be okay. I felt like I was being watched over at that moment while I ate my pancakes.

A few days ago on Olga’s post I told her that maybe God isn’t showing himself to her because he wants her to find him. I feel like maybe, by going to that breakfast on that day, that’s exactly what I had done.

❤ Melanie. Kristy