A Room of One’s Own

Credit: Fresh Design Blog

I totally wish this desk was mine!

I’m not really sure how to describe myself except to say that I need my own space. I need a part of my life that’s untouched, nights after work where I don’t socialize. I need my room to be my room and not for anyone else to come in and clean it or move my things around or hang up winter laundry that needs to be put into storage or take down Christmas lights I’m not done admiring.

In some ways, the internet feels like my own space. This blog, I mean. It’s the part where I can choose what I share and how. It’s my voice, the one that gets lost in groups of people. I’m that person who is never quite heard. Insisting my ideas for five minutes while others around me talk. “Oh hey maybe your grandfather and my mom’s grand father are brothers.” I said that once while we were camping we met some people with my mom’s maiden name and they were trying to figure out the relation. Five minutes later someone actually heard me. At parties where I’m not close to people, I mostly observe the conversation. I am part of it without having a voice. I am absorbing. In ways I am recreating the event in my mind. I’m filing my life under the headline of Fictional Scenes and creating characters out of people I barely know. Or, if I’m in a coffee shop eavesdropping on the interestingness of other people, I am creating their lives. I am documenting what I think their lives should be and writing Morning Character posts about them.

The thing about being a reader is that it’s so easy to be absorbed you sort of forget to live. Like sometimes I get jealous of characters who have lives. Who are out living while I am there watching them. Hobbies that include fiction or television shows or watching films are passive hobbies.

I write because I don’t always want to be passive and this is the only way I know how to be. I write in my blog because I want to be heard when subjects and conversations

One time someone told me that if I spoke with the same peace of mind I write with, maybe people would know me better. Or maybe they would understand. (I’m sorry I forget exactly what you said. You might not even remember saying it). But a lot of times that peace of mind comes when I have a keyboard beneath my fingers or a pen and paper easily accessible.

I’ve recently realized I’m introverted. You’d think, knowing all I know about myself, I would have realized this sooner. But to be honest I never really thought much about it. But reading this article Nourishing Your Inner Introvert made me think even more about it. Made me think about how it’s okay to be introverted. It’s okay that I don’t always want to hang out after my social schedule is over booked (by my own definition). It’s okay that I don’t always want to watch TV with my entire family lounging around the television in the living room. And while it’s okay, and I know it’s okay to be this way, to be ME the way I know how to be me, it’s often that people don’t understand. I ignore the constant requests to watch TV when there’s stuff I need to be doing. And I can’t always make plans five times a week when every person I know seems to be demanding my attention. Sometimes I can’t immediately respond to text messages. And I think part of this explains sporadic blogging. Because sometimes using my voice and speaking out and going through the motions of writing a coherent post, finding pictures for it and publishing it all feels a little too demanding.

But all of this is okay. It’s just part of who I am. And I need to stop hating on myself for being lazy or for not writing or whatever. Because it’s not laziness that causes this overwhelming fog of exhaustion sometimes when I think about needing to write another blog post. Don’t get me wrong, I ADORE blogging. I just can’t adore it every hour of every day all of the time (to infinity and beyond, 24 hours a day in color).

And this isn’t an exercise in making excuses, it’s an attempt to dig deeper, accept more and to reach out.

Would you consider yourself introverted? Do you have a hard time feeling like other people understand you need for alone time? Do you have any tips of other introverts?


Saturday Seven

One thing I love for each day of this week.
* A date for Indian lunch today. So good. I’m obsessed with Indian food and I have cravings all of the time. I had Paneer Tikka, veggie samosas and rosemary naan.
* Making plans for this blog. It basically involves me posting more. Shocking. It also involves an attempt to be consistent. More pictures, books, love in general.
* Finding Drive Time Italian on my external hard drive. I can’t wait to put that to use.
* What’s Eating You? On E!. I’m fascinated by eating disorders and every component that is involved with them. I also like knowing that these people are getting help. Or trying to.
* Having a Saturday night off without asking for it. My plan is to watch movies and do yoga. (Unless, of course, my brother is home. Then I’ll probably nix the yoga.)
* Hanging out with this little dude. Even if it involves chasing him all over Walmart and spinning him in circles.
* 20 Something Bloggers. Community is key. I need to get involved.
Also, bonus: I’m in the process of creating a writer’s group. Our first meeting was on Tuesday. (I’ll admit I wasn’t the one who started it all, but I’m going to do my best to get more writer’s involved). So hopefully I’ll be writing even more.

My Opinions on Closing Comments in Blogs

It seems as if closing the comments on blogs has become a certain trend lately. While I can certainly see the point, you close comments so that you find yourself writing only for yourself and not for anyone else’s response, I feel like that defeats the purpose of a blog.
Sure, all blogs have different purpose. Maybe there is no real point to leaving comments open to blog readers. While I can’t currently think of a type of blog whose comments aren’t generally neccessary, I’m sure they exist.
Now, when I say “neccessary” I do not mean that comments are neccessary to the existance of a blog. I do feel that they have a very important purpose. They create a sense of community that otherwise a blog would not have. Even if there are no comments on a post, the fact that they post will allow comments leaves it open for the reader. Closing comments shuts your readers out, it takes away their voice.
If I was regularly reading a blog, especially one that suggestions reader participation, and all of a sudden this blog does not allow for comments anymore I would feel unwelcome. It doesn’t matter how often or not I’ve left comments, it just matters that now I can’t.
I tend to be a little bit of a wallflower in the blogging world. I read more than I post or comment, but I’m always striving for participation and I’m always trying to find ways to be more active. I think taking away comments in a blog I used to love does nothing but make any reader feel as if his or her opinions aren’t good enough and their participation isn’t welcome.
What are your thoughts? Would you close comments in your blog?

Blurry Edges All Over

I’ve always had trouble focusing on anything, goals were hard to achieve, books were hard to finish, forget studying I spent most of my school years on a whim hoping to pass with good grades. After graduating from college sometimes it feels like I’ve lost all sense of direction. It’s like there is nothing to focus on except for getting through day to day things. This is possibly the worst way for me to live, because it makes it so that I am unable to imagine a larger picture. I begin to only focus on the lack of people in my life, the lack of money in my bank account and the lack of success I feel as if I’m achieving. After all, how am I supposed to be successful if I cannot decide what to focus on and where to head?

This blog is going to be a reflection of that, whether I intend for it to be, or not. It’s going to be a reflection of every aspect of me, and not just the positive side that I urged for. When I begin writing for an audience, I start to think: what am I going to say, what message is there to clear? What am I all about? Sometimes it feels like blog writers need to adhere to a specific code. It feels like I should pick one thing to write about and keep it simple. But that isn’t me. And in the long run it is myself who I am writing for.

I am writing to connect. With myself. With friends. With new people. I am writing to forge new paths while I wander along my own. I am writing so that words come out, to keep the thoughts flowing as only I can. I write because I am a writer, it doesn’t matter what for or why or who I want to read my words. It doesn’t matter that this blog brings in no money, or that it’s still in the beginning stages of fine tuning and world seeing. It does not matter that there is no real, hardcore theme to my ramblings. And I like it that way, because it is who I am, and this is me. Melanie Kristy.

What’s your blog about? Who are you writing for?