I meant to post when the year turn, hopeful expectations of a fresh start like we all like to think January means. I meant to tell you about how I didn’t do anything special this year, not like last year when I watched the sunrise. I meant to tell you my original new years plans were halted with a break up, so instead I went to a party at my brother’s house and left around eleven. I meant to tell you how hard it is to go through the deaths of two family members and plan a memorial. I meant to tell you how weird it is to see my extended family so often. I meant to tell you I bought some Wild Unknown Tarot Cards and I’m starting to expand my hobbies. I meant to tell you that I’m doing okay, and that heartbreak is weird, because isn’t it always? I meant to tell you I can’t stop thinking about certain boys that were once in my life, like the nostalgia will bring back the past. I meant to tell you I don’t feel like crying every time I see certain pictures anymore, but I still have arguments in my head with myself and imaginary friends. I meant to tell you I can’t be the only person who initiates in a friendship because I deserve to not be the only person doing the work. I meant to tell you I’m drinking tea out of a different owl mug that has pastel colors and wide-eyed birds. I meant to tell you I had this epiphany the other day about how I am meant to be a writer (like this is a surprise to anyone? not even to myself) and I need to follow my passion and be around books and words and fiction. I meant to tell you I started organizing my CDs, but I haven’t put them in any order I’m just trying to get them all in one place. I meant to tell you there’s only 63 more days until spring and I started the countdown on January 1st as always. I meant to tell you I’m back to blocking regularly but I couldn’t even say that because there’s been a lack of posts.
I meant to remind myself that being a writer means writing. It means using the pain. It means remembering and taking care and weaving words in ways that I’m familiar with.
Instead I watched season two, and half of season three of The New Girl. I watched all of this current season of Parenthood. I drove to Providence a few times for foodie adventure. I look at the Lush website and wait for their Valentine’s day products to hit stores. I try to drink tea more often than I buy it. I started a weight loss program (for the last time) a month ago and I’ve lost fifteen pounds. But I may have gained it all back just from the saltiness of the smoked salmon I had for lunch. I’m reaching in to places that I’ve lost, breathing in panic and letting go. I’m setting anxiety free because who needs it? I’m here and the silence is over.
Tell me. How are you?