“let yourself be gutted. Let it open you. Start here.” – Cheryl Strayed
I am writing you in the note app of my iPhone while my iPad is just two inches away. I am drinking a pumpkin latte that was supposed to be decaf but I can feel the caffeine inside me. I’m writing to say I’m sorry I haven’t been around. I’m sorry I’m missing out on the wonderful blog world, a place where I kind of sort of belong but don’t (-and will never) belong enough to make this a living. While I’m writing to you, dear friends, I should also be writing my characters. I should be etching words of apology for the lack of progress I’ve made in the story I worked on so hard last year and for bits of this year. To Rynn who still needs to find her recipe, to Topher who needs to find his meaning, to Quiet Boy for being the perfect example of himself by waiting patiently and quietly for something inside me to get things moving.
Nothing is wrong, but I don’t feel right. Nothing is missing but there’s a space that needs filling.
I suppose it might be because I’ve extended the audience of my online musings to anyone im friends with on Facebook. I’ve shared the link to this website with the guys I’ve dated an the people I see on a daily basis. No longer am I only talking to friends I know through the Internet.
I suppose now would be the time to say: but I’m not sorry. Or: this chapter of blogging needs to end.
But that’s not what I’m here to say.
The only problem is: im not sure what I want to say. I don’t know how things are going to change, but I need to make that change. How do you move, reshape, feel, unfeel the things you don’t have a vision for? How can I make this blog about me but in doing so make it about you, too? Because I’m not here to only talk about how much I love pumpkin flavored anything or to flaunt any places I’ve traveled to. I’m here to share love, life, wanderlust and writing. I’m here to hope the things I love might have a place in your heart, too. I dont to write out of self obligation. I want to write out of the NEED to write. And lately that need hasn’t been around. It’s been lingering behind bushes and disguising itself as nostalgia.
In truth, my words don’t need meaning. They don’t need purpose. They just need to be.
Now would be an awesome time to let me know if you are a reader and who you are and where you’re from and your favorite childhood book or place to travel or dreams undiscovered. But I wont hold it against you if you decide not to do just that.
Melanie Kristy, searching, seeking and maybe finding.