Sometimes I find myself talking inside my head, having a conversation as a way to explain me or who I am or why I am this way. It tends to happen when I’m around newer people, like I’m figuring out how to explain myself to them, or if something out of the ordinary comes up.
You see, I’m not really good at putting something into words if it’s unexpected. I tend to freeze up and shrug a lot. Whatever.
So lately I’ve been having this conversation with myself, trying to figure out why exactly it is that I don’t really trust people to stick around. It could be because of that guy who kissed me and never responded to my messages after that. Or that guy who only seemed interested in more than what I was willing to offer at the moment.
But really it all came down to this one thing that happened in 7th grade. Something that sort of ruined me forever (over dramatic pause), something that when I tried to explain to myself in my head as if I was telling someone else the story I made my own eyes roll. It’s 7th grade nonsense, nothing that I need to mention in here, but something that effected me so deeply that fifteen years later my subconscious is still using that as my excuse as to why I don’t trust people to stick around, I’m not sure if people really like me for what I am or if they’re going to turn on me any second, be made because “you know why I’m mad” and just ruin things.
And then this voice in my head sort of laughed at me. It told me to just let that go. Why am I holding onto something from that long ago, a situation that doesn’t hurt anymore. It’s just the memory of hurt.
It’s like I can’t allow myself to just be open and see what happens. I’m constantly locking my emotions in a cage. Just in case.
To be honest, I’m rather confident in my current friendships. All of the friends I’ve had, they’ve been around for years. And your real friends will come back to you. Even after a stint with a lousy boyfriend, some time in a hospital, or whatever happened. It just takes one weekend of concerts to make you remember. One idea to write a vampire novel.
And sometimes there are people who come into your life who aren’t meant to be there for a whole long time. You can spend the later years wishing for the time back, or you can look forward and smile at strangers. Everything is momentary.
I didn’t want to bring “those boys” into this (see below), but it’s important to my story because it’s one of the first songs I ever really really connected with.
Hold on to the ones who really care. In the end they’ll be the only ones there.
(This version is ten years later. And acoustic. )
“The song is about holding on to the things that matter, and ultimately the people that matter. So thank you guys. This is a song for all of us.”
What middle school issues are you holding on to that you need to let go of?