Conversations With Myself

Sometimes I find myself talking inside my head, having a conversation as a way to explain me or who I am or why I am this way. It tends to happen when I’m around newer people, like I’m figuring out how to explain myself to them, or if something out of the ordinary comes up.

You see, I’m not really good at putting something into words if it’s unexpected. I tend to freeze up and shrug a lot. Whatever.

So lately I’ve been having this conversation with myself, trying to figure out why exactly it is that I don’t really trust people to stick around. It could be because of that guy who kissed me and never responded to my messages after that. Or that guy who only seemed interested in more than what I was willing to offer at the moment.

But really it all came down to this one thing that happened in 7th grade. Something that sort of ruined me forever (over dramatic pause), something that when I tried to explain to myself in my head as if I was telling someone else the story I made my own eyes roll. It’s 7th grade nonsense, nothing that I need to mention in here, but something that effected me so deeply that fifteen years later my subconscious is still using that as my excuse as to why I don’t trust people to stick around, I’m not sure if people really like me for what I am or if they’re going to turn on me any second, be made because “you know why I’m mad” and just ruin things.

And then this voice in my head sort of laughed at me. It told me to just let that go. Why am I holding onto something from that long ago, a situation that doesn’t hurt anymore. It’s just the memory of hurt.

It’s like I can’t allow myself to just be open and see what happens. I’m constantly locking my emotions in a cage. Just in case.

To be honest, I’m rather confident in my current friendships. All of the friends I’ve had, they’ve been around for years. And your real friends will come back to you. Even after a stint with a lousy boyfriend, some time in a hospital, or whatever happened. It just takes one weekend of concerts to make you remember. One idea to write a vampire novel.

And sometimes there are people who come into your life who aren’t meant to be there for a whole long time. You can spend the later years wishing for the time back, or you can look forward and smile at strangers. Everything is momentary.

I didn’t want to bring “those boys” into this (see below), but it’s important to my story because it’s one of the first songs I ever really really connected with.

Hold on to the ones who really care. In the end they’ll be the only ones there.

(This version is ten years later. And acoustic. )
“The song is about holding on to the things that matter, and ultimately the people that matter. So thank you guys. This is a song for all of us.”

What middle school issues are you holding on to that you need to let go of?

 

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4 thoughts on “Conversations With Myself

  1. I have a huge problem with making friends and becoming close with people. I had my first real adult friend two years ago, we went shopping together and ate together, etc. I never trusted anyone like I trusted her. Then she turned on me, back stabbed me, made my life (not just life, but work!) a living hell for no reason. She was insane, I swear. Since then I can’t open up to people again. It took me so long to get to that point and she shit all over my progress. I don’t think I will ever be able to have a friend like that again.

    • I’m sorry to hear about what happened with your friend, Erica. It’s even worse when we’re older because we should be over that drama. We should all be better than that. I thought the way with guys the way you do about friends. I’ve been getting better, but I have to make myself vulnerable. If you aren’t willing to get hurt, you won’t chance getting the good stuff, you know? I hope you find friendship again. There are definitely decent people out there.
      xo

  2. I totally understand. I think I was about 13 or 14 when two of my best friends and a guy I like paid me compliments ALL day. It was the best day of my life! My best friends were being amazing and the guy I liked seemed to REALLY like me too! I was so happy! Until the next day that is when one of the best friends got annoyed with me for not going shopping with her that night – she told me they were doing it to see my reaction and to see if I would get a big head over it. They didn’t mean any of it and the other friend ended up dating the guy I liked.

    Needless to say, I have trust issues when it comes to friends and guys AND I don’t take compliments which annoys my current best friend to no end.

    • It’s amazing how people can be so cruel, especially for no real reason. I’ve come to figure out mostly when people are being fake, but I always want to give people the benefit of the doubt. I want to not judge because I don’t want to be judged. And it’s naive sometimes. But it’s what I have to do. Start by complimenting yourself, daily. See if that helps ❤

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