I Need to Stop Focusing on What I Need to Do.

Starting backwards. Maybe I’m going at all of this (what? life?) the wrong way, Maybe I keep feeling so stressed out because I’m putting this pressure on myself to change things I’m not ready to change. To do things I’m not ready to do. I feel like maybe I’m still not ready to make this  huge leap into adulthood that so many other people are assumed ready to do. And in not being ready, I not only don’t act ready but I stress myself out about it and it’s another huge vicious cycle that I partake in.

I feel comfortable when I don’t have too many things going on. I feel less stressed about the idea that I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do, but I can still do it.

It’s the thought process that I gotta do this, gotta do that that’s pulling me down. I keep thinking about what I need to do but I continue to not do it. This makes it so I can’t get anything done. I can’t change my habits because I “need” to so badly that I’m resisting against myself. When I’m told to do things, for example by family members, I just feel more frustrated and want to rebel. Why didn’t this stage come when it was supposed to, during my teenage years? I could have moved on by now…

I need to realize that I want to do these things. In turn I need to really want to. Not pretend to want to. Not tell myself that I need to want to. I need to figure out how to let it act naturally. I need to go easy on myself and let myself feel. I need to live in the moment more. The most out of anything is living in the moment. I need to breathe right now, think about things while I’m doing them or just not think and not do anything. There I go talking about what I need to do again.

I want to gain control of myself. Whenever I try, I go around recognising these things that I need to do, and I get mad at myself for even trying to put myself in those positions. I want to be healthy, I want to have clean clothes that I can find in my closets. I want to bring my lunch to work so I can save money (which I want to do) and pay more of it off (which I also want to do).

When you’re twenty-five years old and out of college and high school and everything else, sometimes it seems like the next natural step is to leap into the world of the 9-5 and gogogo to pay off loans and find the right person and get married and live your happily ever after, boring life. (Side note: it isn’t always necessarily boring, but isn’t the expectation of it a tad bland?). I need to work forty hours a week, which naturally makes it so I don’t even want to be here. Why? Because it’s necessary. I have to remember why I want these things. Why I am here to begin with? If I didn’t want to be here, at all, then I could just leave. But what am I left with? Debts, no income, no way to get around, no money to hang out. I don’t want any of those things. I can’t save up for the things that I want this way. And so I work. But I want to be happy here. I want to realise that hey, this isn’t so bad.

I’m on a self-healing journey right now. It’s a long, ridiculous process where I find that I’m mostly fighting with myself. And all of these selfs that I am fighting with are inside of me, screaming to come out. I started writing in the mornings, free writes about whatever. They end up being reflections or my own inner dialogue in word form in Google documents. That’s okay. It’s not always easy to wake up early to do anything. I started writing in the morning (okay so it’s only been three successful times so far) because I knew I’d never get up early to work out. I can barely get up on time to work. But writing? I can do that. Especially if it’s thoughtless writing. That’s where it all stems from, moving your fingers along the keys. I hoping that this regular writing process will allow all of my inner selves the chance to speak as they wish. Maybe they can stop fighting and learn to act peacefully
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