Starting backwards. Maybe I’m going at all of this (what? life?) the wrong way, Maybe I keep feeling so stressed out because I’m putting this pressure on myself to change things I’m not ready to change. To do things I’m not ready to do. I feel like maybe I’m still not ready to make this huge leap into adulthood that so many other people are assumed ready to do. And in not being ready, I not only don’t act ready but I stress myself out about it and it’s another huge vicious cycle that I partake in.
I feel comfortable when I don’t have too many things going on. I feel less stressed about the idea that I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do, but I can still do it.
It’s the thought process that I gotta do this, gotta do that that’s pulling me down. I keep thinking about what I need to do but I continue to not do it. This makes it so I can’t get anything done. I can’t change my habits because I “need” to so badly that I’m resisting against myself. When I’m told to do things, for example by family members, I just feel more frustrated and want to rebel. Why didn’t this stage come when it was supposed to, during my teenage years? I could have moved on by now…
I need to realize that I want to do these things. In turn I need to really want to. Not pretend to want to. Not tell myself that I need to want to. I need to figure out how to let it act naturally. I need to go easy on myself and let myself feel. I need to live in the moment more. The most out of anything is living in the moment. I need to breathe right now, think about things while I’m doing them or just not think and not do anything. There I go talking about what I need to do again.
I want to gain control of myself. Whenever I try, I go around recognising these things that I need to do, and I get mad at myself for even trying to put myself in those positions. I want to be healthy, I want to have clean clothes that I can find in my closets. I want to bring my lunch to work so I can save money (which I want to do) and pay more of it off (which I also want to do).
When you’re twenty-five years old and out of college and high school and everything else, sometimes it seems like the next natural step is to leap into the world of the 9-5 and gogogo to pay off loans and find the right person and get married and live your happily ever after, boring life. (Side note: it isn’t always necessarily boring, but isn’t the expectation of it a tad bland?). I need to work forty hours a week, which naturally makes it so I don’t even want to be here. Why? Because it’s necessary. I have to remember why I want these things. Why I am here to begin with? If I didn’t want to be here, at all, then I could just leave. But what am I left with? Debts, no income, no way to get around, no money to hang out. I don’t want any of those things. I can’t save up for the things that I want this way. And so I work. But I want to be happy here. I want to realise that hey, this isn’t so bad.